Finding Your People: How to Build a Community That Lifts You Higher

I’ve been a female for almost 45 years. And for the first part of  that time, I was a co-dependent little girl in survival mode.

I wanted the approval and love of my parents more than anything. I believed that if I could just be good enough, helpful enough, loving enough… they’d choose me over their addictions.

My parents loved me and my two brothers, but substances had a grip on them I couldn’t understand as a child. We grew up in poverty,  moved constantly, and rarely had a home phone. So it was pretty impossible to stay connected with the friends I made. I went to 6 different schools in 2 years between the 4th and the 6th grade. 

And because of that instability and the bullying that came with being “the poor kid,” I grew up insecure. My co-dependency came from trying to make sure my parents were “okay”  and staying on edge about what fight they were going to have that day.  And because I was the peace keeper at such a young age I thought if I wasn’t there to mediate and soften the blows that things would fall apart. 

I was a fixer and over time I started to see a pattern.  Fixers get used. Without realizing it, I built my life keeping people at arm’s length. Not because I didn’t care, but because it hurt every time I felt used. 

Friendships That Weren’t Safe

In my past life, when I was married to a narcissist, the friendships I did have were carefully curated by him — with his agenda in mind, not mine. Some of those “friendships” ended in betrayal that still stings when I think about it because I felt that I was not the kind of person that someone does that too. 

There was one in particular I had a gut feeling about. I ignored it because I didn’t want to believe someone could be that heartless. But when the truth came out, it hit me hard — not just the betrayal from my marriage, but from someone I thought was in my corner.

That moment forced me to take a hard look at my life. My circle was small, but not in a quality over quantity kind of way. It was small in a there’s no depth or substance here kind of way.

I realized a lot of my relationships were surface-level or flat-out toxic — full of gossip, quiet judgment, hidden agendas, or people who were happy to take from me but never had anything to give back.

Reflection for You

Who in your life leaves you feeling drained after you spend time with them? 

Who talks more about problems than solutions? 

Who always needs your energy, advice, or support but disappears when you need theirs?

If your circle feels very small and lacking in substance… Maybe it’s time to start looking for a new tribe.

Finding My Tribe(s)

When I became intentional about building my community, I didn’t just find one tribe — I found two.

 My First Tribe is from my past. These are people who already knew me, loved me, and valued me. They stood by me through my healing journey and supported me every step of the way. That kind of loyalty is rare, and I’ll never take it for granted.

The Second Tribe is my new circle — the people I could share my healed, authentic self with. The women I have deep, soul-feeding conversations with. The ones who pour into me as much as I pour into them.

And here’s something important — I didn’t learn how to be a friend overnight. I learned by watching

my wonderful man. His compassion, thoughtfulness, and genuine care for the people in his life showed me what it really means to show up for others.

When I started surrounding myself with people who matched my values and respected my integrity, my self-worth began to grow in ways I’d never experienced before.

Why Your Community Matters

You can do all the self-work in the world, but if you’re surrounded by the wrong people, your growth will hit a ceiling.

The right people…

• Cheer for you when you win

• Challenge you when you’re slipping

• Respect your boundaries

• Believe in you even when you forget who you are

The wrong people…

• Minimize your wins

• Keep you in old patterns because it’s comfortable for them

• Take without giving back

Your community will either propel you forward or hold you back.

Getting Uncomfortable to Grow

Here’s the truth — building the right community often means getting uncomfortable. It might mean walking up to someone who inspires you and introducing yourself. It might mean sending a message to someone you admire, even though it feels intimidating.

Some of my most meaningful connections came from stepping into spaces I didn’t feel “ready” for and having conversations I once would have avoided.

And as you open the door to new relationships, you may have to close a few along the way.

If you’re worried about disappointing the people who aren’t for you… don’t be. When you start reconsidering who’s in your life, pay attention to what they’ve taken from you — your peace, your energy, your confidence.

You can still love them from a distance until they figure their shit out. But if you keep pouring into something that has a crack in it, eventually, you’ll have nothing left for yourself or the people who truly deserve it.

Your Turn

Take a moment today to think about the five people you spend the most time with.

Do they inspire you?

Do they challenge you to grow?

Do they protect your energy?

And the biggest question — would you be proud to become more like them? 

If not… maybe it’s time to start building your tribe.

And if you don’t know where to start, I created the Reauthenticated Lifestyle Community for women just like you — women who want authentic, soul-feeding connections and are ready to grow in every area of life.

Because you were never meant to do this alone.